My Life and the Humanz

See what I did there with the title? I replaced peas with pee cause it’s warm, stinky and sometimes it burns. I’m so witty! But it’s the prefect lead in to the story I’m about to tell you, a story I’ve had to endure via a co-worker for months. I just had to get it off my chest cause it’s real juicy and such and still going. So let me bring you up to date on it’s fine happenings.

Our story begins 4 or 5 years ago when both our protagonists met working at let’s say Shoppers Drug Mart and we’ll call them Forrest and Jenny for anonymity. They fell in love, ahhhhh so sweet. Anyways fast forward a bit to about 2 years ago. They get an apartment together and set up their merry home. Jenny begins to mold Forrest into her vision of the prefect man. But of course like trying to cram the round peg into the square hole there is resistance. You see Forrest is an old school stubborn male and does not like change.

So about a year ago now and many fights later Forrest is watching the movie “The Breakup” and it changes his life. Yes folks the Breakup teaches him a thing or two about making a relationship work. He realizes the little things needed to be done in order to have a happy relationship. Well Jenny likes this and tells all her friends the change she sees and how good a man she it starting to get. Yes starting, of course he is yet to reach status of prefect male. Alas he is her true love and she embraces what she has been blessed with.

Fast forward! Well in the months leading up to valentines of this year Jenny whines to her friends constantly as to when Forrest is going to man up and propose to here. “Does he want to live like this forever?…..” she harps… Little does Jenny know Forrest has visited a jeweler and during their vacation to Mexico after Valentines he’s going to pop the question. OH JOY!!! Oh wait, I forgot to mention she found the receipt from the jewelers so she knows what’s coming now. OH JOY!! So one clear night in Mexico, under the moonlight Forrest takes Jenny to a little cabana on the beach. With the stars as their witness Forrest pops the question. Jenny accepts and all is good. Oh isn’t it? Well they return home and everyone but Jenny seems happy (well at least those she’s told). She’s also telling people how disappointed she is in the way he proposed. Not romantic etc etc……………. If I was Forrest it would have gone a little more like this. “will you marry me?” – Scissor kick to the teeth!!!

Did I mention that the two friends Jenny is spending the most time with these days are jaded divorces who hate men and really want another girl to add to their party group?

Jenny’s obviously not happy, life isn’t as she planned. She’s not sure about things so rather than sit and talk about it with Forrest she decides to move out for one night to think. Poor Forrest…. But wait she comes back the next day so all is good!!! Guess not… 3 weeks later Jenny moves out to her sisters this time for a week “to think“……. Near the end of that week Forrest comes home to find Jenny’s car packed and her waiting for him. He talks her down and unpacks her car and all is good again. Jenny is so confused, all she ever wanted was to get married and I guess that’s not good enough now. But she’s home and living with Forrest again telling him how much she loves him and he’s the one. I think she’s lying cause she’s telling everyone else how her hearts not in it anymore and she cringes when she has to do sexy times to keep him thinking all is good. Oh and apparently “IT’S OVER” so she says. NEWS FLASH!!!!!!! MOVE OUT!!!!! Why are you still living with him if you don’t want to be there!!!!! Jenny says he’s naive if he doesn’t see the writing on the wall. Yes naive as you kiss him good night and have sexy times!!! MOVE OUT!!! Well after getting bitched out by friends for being ignorant and not thinking about him as well she does the right thing. One day when Forrest is at work she packs her things and leaves a note telling him it’s done. Poor Forrest.

With Jenny gone Forrest refuses to give up. He gets Facebook and pours his heart out to her in public. Jenny teases Forrest by accepting his cyber gifts and leaving her status as “in a relationship”. What’s a boy to think? Alas….. She still calls to tell him how much she cares but doesn’t want to be there. But it’s for the best. Oh wait, yes that’s right the reason she left is she needs time to think. The last time she left for a week she didn’t get time to think about their relationship. So this time she’s going to. So fours weeks after she’s been gone she tells Forrest (yes they talk still) that she needs to go to Miami with her girlfriends because she hasn’t had time to think. Ahh yes, a vacation partying in Miami will be the perfect chance to think about her relationship future with Forrest. She goes, returns and not to Forrest….

So hear we are today, Forrest and Jenny still meet on Facebook sometime around 10 each night to chat on the little messenger thing. I guess all is going to be good. Tell me ladies (an those wise men) is there another man? Is Jenny hanging on to Forrest in case she doesn’t find something better? Is it time Forrest moves on? My money’s on the last one!